Happened

Kay... I'll start from..... Tuesday
Tuesday
Went with friends out to Sunway and watched....

YESH! The movie was damn cool :] The effects are :D And after that, we searched for a prezzie for Kor and Erica's many friends. Vivian tagged along too :) It was a fun day. Lee pinjam-ed me her tank top. :D I like it ;]
Wednesday
Club in the morning. We learnt to make crepe flowers. Credits to our teacher Ms. Pam :D I chose purple :) I think it went okay... I'm gonna do more! xD 
Then, later that afternoon. We INJECTION! I'm damn SCARED!!! But I act hero lar... As usual xD. Not really pain when inject. But til now, bengkak and touch little bit oso pain T.T WHY???????? Sleep oso hard, play oso hard, eat oso hard, BATHE SO DAMN HARD!!!!! ><
Later that evening pula, we cook! HEHR! So FUN~! My mum never cooks... so... not really interested in it. But cooking with friends is FUN! I keep act 38 and snatch people's stuff and jobs to do xD Vivian is like a mom./ Scold people and teaching people how to cook. She's the iron chef. hahahahahah
Thursday
Nothing much la....
kthxbai :]

Smile =]

Today

You smiled =D 

And I was so damn happy =]

YAY!

ahahahaha xD

kthxbai :]

But I won't hope too much 

Coz I might get dissapointed again... ='[

Will I?

I'm confused.

Far, far away

Today

I avoided you

Instead of you doing it to me

Hope you know how I feel whenever you do that

It's hard to hurt you

But since you want it that way

I have to do it

Just to make you happy

Whenever I walk away

It feels like an electric shock

Something's telling me not to do it

But I did coz we are the same

We act as though nothing happened

You know something happened

I realised too

But no one wants to say anything

Hm

Some fun =[

But

You ignore me

Doesn't mean I'll ignore you

I'm a stubborn kid

You should know

And if I wanna do something

I can =D

Hehe ^^

I'll have fun making you smile again =D

Regret

I never regretted for meeting you

Coz you made me smile

Pull me out from the deepest and darkest depressions and holes

Shine me a path of light when I can't find my way out

Lend me a hand when everyone hates me

You made me realise that there is still someone that cares

And that I can do it, and needn't care what the hell other people think

You showed me how to smile and be strong when everybody hates, ignores or anything bad happens

That's why I am choosing

And let's just hope my choice is right =']

Thanks a lot

You left me a miracle, a sweet memory and a happy past.

Used to it~

Mixing in the crowd. I don't think much when I am laughing and talking about random stuffs. Yet, I know that once I stop, I'll feel the sadness again. I'm getting used to it. Talking to my friend. It's always about you. I never talk much currently. Because I know it's no use. Sometimes, there are some things that people will never understand. And I can bear with it alone. It's getting easier each day. But that does not mean the hurt get any less. It's just because I'm used to it. 

I can trust anyone last time. Now? It's hard. Every single person that I trust either push me away or back stab me. It hurts. My friend asks me to give it some time. You'll get around. Give it a chance. But even she's starting to get second doubts now. Always feel like crying whenever I see you or talk about you to my friend. But I never cry. Why? I'm egoistical and people said to me that I look ugly before. Crying is one of the things I never do nowadays. not even to myself. I force myself not to. It gets easier. And this act is a freakin stupid weakness. I don't do stupid.

Seeing you in the distance hurts, I feel helpless. I can't do anything. Stupidly helpless. Yet, I know I don't love you that way. I love you like a person that I will care because it's my duty. No one knows and realises. They all think i'm weird. Probably. I'm used to people ditching me. I miss their loving and caring. But, I can live without it. I can live without anyone to love and anyone loving me. I can do it. And I will. Even if you don't love me anymore or you don't want me to depend on you. Let me tell you this. My life ain't dead without you. I can still live. I am a loner and never depend on ANYONE to live. The walls around me make sure that no one gets close enough to my heart. You are the nearest, still is. And somehow, you are the one that can make me happy even though I am in my saddest, most depressing and grievous moments. You managed to make me smile and laugh. Everytime.

Sometimes, I wonder if I should be sad about you or not. When I am sad, I wonder whether am I supposed to be. Coz there are probably other people out there sadder than me. My grief is probably nothing compared to theirs. It's confusing sometimes... GRR ><! My feelings are guilt, coz I probably don't have hak to be sad. Sad, coz you are avoiding me. I'm not stupid dude -__- I know. And you are making it so freakin obvious. And I'm trying not to cry, and show my sadness at the same time. And i have to worry about the typical things that a teen worry about. I sometimes wonder if I should just kill myself and end these confusion.

Why I didn't do that yet? It's coz I don't have kelayakan to do it. I'm not the most kesian person in the world. Even though no one really cares, I still get to eat, have clothes to wear, have money to spend everyday. My friend told me to do things for yourself and not others. At first, I told her I'm used to it. Then, I realised that doing things for people is what I do for myself. As long as people are a bit proud of me, I'm happy. As long as people are aware of my existence, I'm glad. Even though my family mostly praises my brother (EVERYBODY always praises my brother) and they say I am jealous. I'm tired of telling them I'm not. No one really believes me. So I let them say I am without saying anything. And if they criticises me. I'm used to taking it as a compliment and smiling at them saying, "thanks for the compliment". I smile a lot or turn my face away. So they thought I'm okay with it and continue doing it, not knowing it hurts. I let them do it coz I wanna train myself to be able to look anyone STRAIGHT in the eye and not give a fuck wat they say about me. Not crying. Not showing my hurt. Not even hurting. It's hard to surprise or make me sad, coz I'm kinda used to it as well.

kthxbai :[ Thts all I can say to you. If you're reading it.

My fav song...

I love this coz it's the song that makes me feel..... hm... i'm nt sure

Distance

Can only see you in the distance,

Always holding back,

Never getting close to you

Know you'll never love me back

Looking wistfully hoping things will get better,

It doesn't 

And it will never get better

The more further away the distance of the hearts

The harder the pain is to be bear

Do you know? 

Hate is the strongest feeling in the same lines as love

And making me hate you

Won't make me forget you, ignore you, or get on with my life.

Some things you all wanna know bout me?

a) I'm NOT lesbian

b) I have NO grudges against bisexuals

c) I never have any feelings

d) If I hate someone, I will hate that person til very bad

e) If I love a person, I will love even though that person hates and try to push me away

f) If I cry, (I tak pernah cry in school) it means something is very VERY wrong

g) If I do something to hurt you, it means I have a reason for doing so

h) I love you, not as what you think I love you for. But of the love that I seldom and rarely experienced. Further details? Ask Wang Sei Sei

i) Wang Sei Sei won't tell you if you ask her =D unless I say so =)

j) I'm sick of you avoiding me or whatever fcuk you are doing. What's your FCUKING problem>>????

How I wish that you can love me the same way I love you... =]

Feelings in video

These are my feelings in video:
I love you no matter if you are the dumbest and most heartless person on earth

Yet, sometimes... i wish

When I met you, you're the one that

I'll

Do you know?

When you push me away, I freakin wish

Who do you think you are? I'm a human as much as you are

I can't push you away, Why can you? How? Teach me

So...

....:] Conclusion? I can live without anyone in my life. But my life will be empty without you telling me what is love =]
But I know...

So, this song is for you =]

And I'll pray for you everyday, just so you are happy... 
kthxbai =']

Trip to Butterfly Farm

Okay, no time to be emo. I just wanna tell bout this trip. THEN i'll think about being emo =]
Taking pics are fun. Enough to take my mind away from emo stuff for a day ^^

It's... uhh doing things that a normal butterfly will do xD

Here are the pics =DD

I like this butterfly =] One of my favourites.

TARANTULAAAAA!!!!! XD

That's my bro's hand. He's shaking like hell and damn scared. LOL

Nice riteee??? I mean the butterfly =D

I damn love this. My mum saw and was like, WAH! so nice! take a pic of it. =] I

This is me =] DUH~ I look like a girl with wings protruding outta my back ><

This is a Malaysian Giant Millepede :3

Er... I think it's called a... um. I forgot. xD

Look like pearls :D
I enjoyed this trip~

I totally enjoyed this trip! The butterflies are all around. I was scared at first. But after a while, it was OK =]

Anyways, my mum saw a butterfly somewhere on our trip. And she wantd to take a pic of it. But she was yelling excitedly that the butterfly flew away =D HAHA. Too excited

All in all, this is a time where I really took all the pics that I wanted. These are the few ones that I loved most. Hope you like it :D

kthxbai~ =]

Part of what you wanna know bout me

Family, friends and teachers.

You guys wanna know why I'm so close with Wang Sei Sei (Uh... maybe nt the teachers) 

I'll tell you.

Why the hell do I alk to her every night even though we spent all day in school?

Why do I always hang out with her?

I go everywhere with her.

No, we're not lesbians (No offense to lesbians)

No, we're NOT a couple

We are merely friends. 

It' just that we are close, coz we're binded by secrets.

And I'm close to her coz she's the only person in the whole universe to know most of my secrets.

And she is the one that backs me up when all of you are busy pointing out y faults.

But never wondering what causes my faults.

She's the one that advises me

And is the best counsellor not coz she tells me my good sides

It's coz she tells me the TRUTH

When all of you are spying, lying or telling empty truths to me.

In my most emoest moments.

She is there.

And if you think she is a bad influence, think again.

If she's not there, or you guys simply accuse us of doing things we did not do

There's no knowing what will happen to me.

You wanna know why?

Coz in front of everyone, I act like I'm feelingless

In front of my buddies, I act happy

I never let one drop of tear fall in front of you guys currently, did you guys realise?

I can control my feelings, but when to many things are cooped inside, they will break my metal walls.

And at that time, I can do anything.

Throw a fit? Kill some birds?

Even I don't know. =]

This post is not to rebel any of you

Or go against anybody's wishes.

It's to tell you what I feel.

And I'm not supporting Wang, coz she's my lesbian partner or an partner or she hypnotised me or whatever nonsense you're thinking

I'm supporting her coz,

When you are all blinded by my mistakes

She helped me live with all my unstable feelings

And while all of you hate me without finding a reason

She helps me find a path, even though it's a small one

To walk through another phase of my life.

Thx dude =]

And if any of you wanna find out bout me? Say it to my face. 

But if I tell you guys what I feel

Don't start getting defensive and upset.

I've had enough.

No one's gonna play with my feelings anymore

Period.

Current Affairs

  Life's been pretty tough lately. Nothing seems to go right. I don't mid mistakes. But I can't stand disappointment. It's like, claustrophobia, you know? It's a phobia like, when you are caged in a small place with no place to move. Yeah, I'm feeling that. Some things are just so confusing! The people I love most of all made me feel that way. Sometimes, I don't know if they care for me out of duty, love or sympathy.

  Tears well up sometimes. But somehow, after one or two drops I can't cry anymore. Maybe coz I'm used to not crying. Not even to myself. It's sort of like, building a thick wall of the strongest materials I can find so that nobody can hurt me, nobody can make me break down. But, you keep things from coming in, things inside you can't come out. It hurts... 

  Sometimes, I just wish I can write happier things in my blog. Sometimes, I also wish that I can fall asleep forever and think of nothing else...

Then maybe, my tears need not freeze in my heart and cause pain =] I'm young and might not understand love, but I do love very much..

Without experiencing darkness, there will be no appreciating light

Without knowing you, I wouldn't know what's love~♥♥

What it's like to be cared for and not just caring for others :|

What it's like to be seen and not just seeing people =D

How your heart squeezes in pain every time you ignore me ='[

And how it swells up and makes me smile every time you smile =]

How happy I get when you are truly happy and not just freaking acting =']

Even if I have to be sad just to make you happy ='D

But,

If you don't really care,

Don't f*king pretend to care

Coz when you decide to move on, ignore me, and hurt me

I dun f*king just sit down and let you do it

And if you think by ignoring me, you can make me change and my troubles over,

You are wronger than me buying the stupid necklace

And I don't f*king care whether you like it or not if I use bad words

I'm tired of letting people I love leave me and ignore me and hurt me

Conclusion: If you don't f*king care for me, don't act as though you do.

And if you don't wanna care about me, say it to my face

You not happy with me, tell it straight to me

Don't need to hide it to yourself. 

I can move one, but not if you keep making me happy when you care and then make me sad again when you don't feel like it. 

I AM NOT A TOY

I will not let myself be controlled or puppeted by you.

Remember that, when I love someone... 

I will do everything for that person

But if you wanna make me hurt again and again

I ain't letting you bully me.

PERIOD

Currently, I don't have much to write. I haven't posted stuff for sometime coz I'm not really in the mood. I am IN A BAD MOOD! >< Probably coz there is no one around when I need them. And I'm getting pretty sick of being there for people all the time. It seems they just dissapear when i need them. I hate it. It makes me feel like, as my problems are just stupid and childish while everybody else's is important. 
And I am starting to hate the fact that some people care just because they want to change me. Not for who I am -___- Seriously, I getting tired liao =X U want to change me, I dun know what to say. But don't act as if you guys care and then suddenly ignore me. It hurts me, of course it don't hurt you.

I just love this song -___-