Used to it~

Mixing in the crowd. I don't think much when I am laughing and talking about random stuffs. Yet, I know that once I stop, I'll feel the sadness again. I'm getting used to it. Talking to my friend. It's always about you. I never talk much currently. Because I know it's no use. Sometimes, there are some things that people will never understand. And I can bear with it alone. It's getting easier each day. But that does not mean the hurt get any less. It's just because I'm used to it. 

I can trust anyone last time. Now? It's hard. Every single person that I trust either push me away or back stab me. It hurts. My friend asks me to give it some time. You'll get around. Give it a chance. But even she's starting to get second doubts now. Always feel like crying whenever I see you or talk about you to my friend. But I never cry. Why? I'm egoistical and people said to me that I look ugly before. Crying is one of the things I never do nowadays. not even to myself. I force myself not to. It gets easier. And this act is a freakin stupid weakness. I don't do stupid.

Seeing you in the distance hurts, I feel helpless. I can't do anything. Stupidly helpless. Yet, I know I don't love you that way. I love you like a person that I will care because it's my duty. No one knows and realises. They all think i'm weird. Probably. I'm used to people ditching me. I miss their loving and caring. But, I can live without it. I can live without anyone to love and anyone loving me. I can do it. And I will. Even if you don't love me anymore or you don't want me to depend on you. Let me tell you this. My life ain't dead without you. I can still live. I am a loner and never depend on ANYONE to live. The walls around me make sure that no one gets close enough to my heart. You are the nearest, still is. And somehow, you are the one that can make me happy even though I am in my saddest, most depressing and grievous moments. You managed to make me smile and laugh. Everytime.

Sometimes, I wonder if I should be sad about you or not. When I am sad, I wonder whether am I supposed to be. Coz there are probably other people out there sadder than me. My grief is probably nothing compared to theirs. It's confusing sometimes... GRR ><! My feelings are guilt, coz I probably don't have hak to be sad. Sad, coz you are avoiding me. I'm not stupid dude -__- I know. And you are making it so freakin obvious. And I'm trying not to cry, and show my sadness at the same time. And i have to worry about the typical things that a teen worry about. I sometimes wonder if I should just kill myself and end these confusion.

Why I didn't do that yet? It's coz I don't have kelayakan to do it. I'm not the most kesian person in the world. Even though no one really cares, I still get to eat, have clothes to wear, have money to spend everyday. My friend told me to do things for yourself and not others. At first, I told her I'm used to it. Then, I realised that doing things for people is what I do for myself. As long as people are a bit proud of me, I'm happy. As long as people are aware of my existence, I'm glad. Even though my family mostly praises my brother (EVERYBODY always praises my brother) and they say I am jealous. I'm tired of telling them I'm not. No one really believes me. So I let them say I am without saying anything. And if they criticises me. I'm used to taking it as a compliment and smiling at them saying, "thanks for the compliment". I smile a lot or turn my face away. So they thought I'm okay with it and continue doing it, not knowing it hurts. I let them do it coz I wanna train myself to be able to look anyone STRAIGHT in the eye and not give a fuck wat they say about me. Not crying. Not showing my hurt. Not even hurting. It's hard to surprise or make me sad, coz I'm kinda used to it as well.

kthxbai :[ Thts all I can say to you. If you're reading it.