Scared

You know.

Sometimes I'm so scared to approach you

Thinking maybe that if I talk to you

I will trust you again

And that I will be lied to again

Will be hurt by again. 

As time draws nearer to the end

I know I will have to end the show soon

I can't really expect you to hang on forever :D

I understand

People have to move on

But I will still always look out for you and remember you :)

Even if you forget about me

And if I live to a 100 years

I will still be the one that steps out and block you if a bullet is gonna hit you :p

Yeah it might sound like I'm exaggerating

But if you ain't living then I can't too :)

My love towards you isn't them same as what others' love are

It's different. 

And I hope that I can not ever be scared of you anymore. :']

Hm.

So I'm gonna share with you guys a song I like :)

My mother ( of all people -.-) introduced to me xD

But it's the greatest song ever :D

Kinda reflects my feelings :3

Weird right? Haha

My friends won't really imagine me as the sensitive type

More of the shout-like-sampat-girl xD

Hm... I'm kinda sentimental xD

Shhhhh :)

Lesson Learnt :DD

So I went out with Wang yesterday to Jusco BM and watched 1911 :DD

This movie's awesome!! :DD

You should try it :3 My mum used to (still do) tell me that we should watch special effect movies in cinemas. It's more worth it. I mean, why put movies that peropl only TALK in and it's funny when you can buy a CD and plug it into ur PC at home right? Cinemas have the right effects for movies like --->1911
Ate oreo MCflurry in McDs... Talk abit about the problems haunting us. Sheesh. That idiot. Which I reffered to as "socks" in my last post was DAMN ANNOYING and treat me like I'm her soft toy or something. Easy to throw and easy to take back. Let me tell those people that fight back with me, support my brother and do things that hurt me. I will NEVER let you go. And if you scold me and I keep quiet, it's even worse than if I shout back at you. Coz if I don't even TALK to you. It means my crazy-become-a-heartless-beast meter is going higher. /.\ And if it errupts alot of people will very LITERALLY die.
Ok. Now I'm gonna post a video of my favourtie best time ever video-ist!

Hahahahaha :DD This is not for the weak hearted and the oh-I-am-such-a-good-Malaysian people. -.- If you want to insult him. Insult somehwere else and NOT on m blog. I respect him. Coz he is daring enough to stick up for what's right. Whoever that put up with useless people are just hypocrites. ACTING like you like them. ACTING like you care. A bit like socks towards me :)) I think. Even I don;t know whether socks actually do like me specially or not :/
Hm anyways, there'e a guy at mcD that is damn um.... retarded -.- I was walking pass and I though I heard someone calling me. Not by name of course. And when I turned, it was an indonesian/malay or something (No, I'm not insulting indonesians OR malays, just the guy). And he was like, "你很美"   
I was like, walking away and showing no emotion. But inside I was like, "wtf??" Why are there so many retarded guys out there but so little nice guys -.-
I hope when I go back, things well get better :')
kthxbai :3
thxforreading! 
Teehee!---> Ryan Higa xD

EXAM's OVER!!!! WHEEE!!!!!

  Phew... I didn't like, update my blog for ever so long coz I'm damnnnn busy with my finals. yes, I'm a dork and actually STUDY for my finals. But hey, people with big ambitions must work harder right? xD Neways, part of studying hard is to excel in the subjects that people hope for me to excel on :DD Let's just hope I don't fail in my Geo and Math.... :p
Hm... Things are pretty much the same. You can't really be happy for a long time. Currently, I'm even more confused. But I don't really care. NO! I haven't become a goody two shoes -.- That's for bitches that don't understand the meaning of life. Hm.... Can say I became more understanding in love. Hey! If you don't love me, there's nothing stopping me from loving you right? They call it tepuk tangan sebelah, I call them to shut the fuck up :DD (kindly excuse my bad language if any teachers are reading :D Yes, I know that you are reading ^^)
 Hm... I realise that there are some bitches out there that LOVEEE to think they are all that and act as thought there are higher than you and with their holier-than-thou attitudes. It makes me sick -.- Please, just PLEASE with this totally stupid attitude. Just because you got more clothes and shoes that some of the others, doesn't mean you are ABOVE others. Hey, seriously... if you BOTHERED to ask me, I will tell you straight in the face that NO ONE likes you and they are just faking so that you will quit BUGGING them. But I know that people like you don't bother looking around you coz even YOU know that if you do, you won't ever like what you see :)) Well, I pity you for having a life where EVERYONE around you is not true to you, it's just that you NEVER bother to change, NEVER bother to look and CONTINUE to act as though you are all that -.- You'll never find real happiness, coz everyone around you is just LYING, FAKING and are HYPOCRITING. Follow your attitude :DD
Okay, enough about bitches :DD They waste my breath and finger energy :)) Hm... Currently, my mood is bad and good bad and good. I seriously don't understand -.- Yeah, i like that person I'll name that person, "socks". Socks seriously don't respect anyone -.- INCLUDING ME. I mean, socks has a lot of good qualities and socks is great and understands me but socks is NOT RESPECTFUL. Which is why I am pretty pissed of at socks. Socks don't even respect sock's own friends! Sheesh -.- And socks got the nerve to MOCK ME. If socks is reading this, then I;m telling you that I HATE and ABSOLUTLY HATE people mocking me.
And I guess that's all :)) OH! And I signed up for Y.E Club coz my friend ajak me. Y.E=Young Enterprise. Hm... Hope it's nice. 

Realisation :3

Today, I'm gonna write something that will sound absolutely CORNY! You can choose to read it or not. It's up to you entirely :))
I realised something the last few days of my life. I had been HAPPY. Something I haven't truly felt in a while. Why?
I decided to hurt the one I love the most, the one I will never hurt even if you wanna kill me.  It's weird. Suddenly, what I want is to make that person which I will temporarily name.... uh..... T-shirt?? LOL RANDOM :DD OK. The point is, I wanna make T-shirt feel what I am feeling. I know that if T-Shirt feel the same way about me like how I felt about T-shirt, T-shirt will hurt, will feel the pain. Will feel what was once MY pain.
It's weird really, it is caused by a simple thing T-Shirt did. What T-Shirt did I shall not say. The point is. Once I start thinking of hurting T-Shirt, I felt HAPPY! I felt light-hearted and feel like a kid that haven't been fighting for attention since her brother was born (no that I do it anymore, it's an utter waste of time -.-).
I started doing everything I can to hurt T-Shirt, avoiding, juling-ing, whatever-ing. Simple gestures that won't hurt anyone physically but EMOTIONALLY I had learnt since I was a kid that being hurt emotionally is always worse than being hurt physically. Which is why I am rather interested in physchology (I spelt physch... something wrong. I dunno the spelling sowie :DD) .
Anyways, it all lasted for about a week. This week, in fact. Maybe someone reading this. Probably T-Shirt is wan of them will perasan that it's them. Up to you to perasan all you want :DD I will never tell you who it really is anyway :3 But on Thursday, I decided to give up. And once I start thinking of giving up hurting T-Shirt, all the hurt came back. All the pain of losing T-Shirt, the pain of having high hopes and dropping all the way to the bottom again, the pain of leaving T-Shirt, every type of pain that was haunting me all this while at the back of my mind was back. Haunting me again.
Luckily, I am not really a coward. I can kinda control my feelings if I want to. And I WANT to. I wanna end all this madness. I mean, there's not much time left and I am wasting my time running away from hurt just so I can hurt the one I truly care about? (And maybe T-Shirt care for me as well. I'm not sure really) That is the only thing making me move on. The light glowing, even though lifelessly, but still glowing, in a pit of pure darkness.
So the corny thing is, (don't worry, it's short. er... for me that is :DD) making someone that  hurt you hurt, no matter who that person is. Even if that person is your enemy, it's the STUPIDEST, MOST CHILDISH THING ever. Do not ever do that. It will all end with regret. Why not save a bit of your time? Who CARES what people think? Even if they think that you are dumb and stupid for not hurting the people that hurt you before, think of yourself first. The people that teases you and urges you to fight is NOT you. The one that will end up regretting or hurting is NOT them. They only TALK. Coz if anyone that will end up being hurt, it's YOU and not THEM.
Sometimes, I realised it's actually good being a little eensey weensy bit discreet. I know any of my friends, teacher or the people that know me will go, " HAHA!! What do YOU know about discreet, you're the loudest most TALKATIVE and mindless SPEAKER in the WHOLE school!" Trust me dudes, or cikgus, or family.
IF I DIDN'T THINK BEFORE I TALK IN SCHOOL, WITH FRIENDS OR AT HOME. MOST OF THE ADULTS WILL GET A HEART ATTACK AND DIE ON THE SPOT WHILE I WILL PROBABLY HAVE 0 FRIENDS AND ENEMIES :DD
If you know the amount of things I shut up about, or why I always suddenly annouce "I'm damn emo" expecting comfort but letting my friends Kor and Vivian say that I am always emo. You will be surprised. You guys think I am hot tempered with a short fuse? Imagine. Try imagining right now friends, family, teachers whatever not Vanessa, happy and laughing and joking about how she don't know how to wear her bra. Not bad-rapper/horrible looking laugh Vanessa. Not tough and no nonsense Vanessa and not comforting Vanessa. Not complaining or idiotic or talking back kid. Imagine me sitting in a corner. Not reading or doing my revision. Pretending that I am. And CLENCHING my hands into fists, trying to stand the "nice" way everyone treats me sometimes, shutting my mouth and withstanding anger. To prevent heart attacks and anger.
OK. Stop that imagining. now, imagine me angry. Then, suddenly. Someone talks to me and POOF! Angry Van turns to Smiling Van!!!!! No one actually REALISES how emo I am sometimes :)) Can't blame you, I act fast :DD
The point is, shut up about some things sometimes, don't get yourself so mad at things that you don't really need to worry about. Chill. In the game of love, you have to be automatic. But sometimes, we should just float down the river of love and kill monsters only when you see one. With friends, shut up sometimes :DD Control your anger and you won't get any enemies. er... I'm not really sure if I have any enemies. anyone???? Please tell me why you hate me ya :3 I will listen. Dont' worry, I'm not the goody goody kid types that will call you to chill so much that you don't know how to stick up for yourself. If someone comes in front of you and go, 'Yo kid! Ever heard of fashion?" Don't stand there cowering away. Answer in a short and sarcastic way, "Yo! Ever heard of Listerine?" Or something like that :p Maybe a cooler way.
Hey. A little drama is good :DD It makes life richer :3 Sometimes, it's nice to have a little lawyer match with your friends or family or teachers :DD Keeps the world rotating :)
kthxbai :DD

Days... days... days

Time's passing so damn fast til it's a blur. I don't even know which grip to hold on now. There is none. None to stop me from jumping off a building or killing myself.
My life sucks I guess. Most teens say that. So I should say. Overall is not that bad. My class won the singing competition sempena Merdeka Day 2011. Was so happy :))
Everything will be perfect if that person is here. If that person didn't change. If that person didn't try to make me hate oneself. If I am not confused. Not confused about whether that person even LIKED me in the first place. Maybe I am just a bridge for that person to walk thru to reach another person. I am not that important. There are other people that that person def likes more than me. So what.
Hm... enough about "that person". Anyone reading this will probably wonder WHO that person (LOL) is. Well, it's the person I love most but never dare to tell. Care about most but never try to show it and the one that taught me that in this world, there is still a person that cares about me even if everyone backstabbs, lie and hates me.
Anyways. Congrats to all 2 sucians :DD you guys did damn great! Love you guys!! muah!! :33

Game?

Don't play games with me. Just because I trust you, doesn't mean you can betray me that easily.

If you choose to play a game with me. I will play along

If you try to make me feel guilt. You are failing

If you wanna make me surprised. Not so easy

You wanna scare me? You gonna end up scaring yourself

Anyone that betrays my trust.

I never forget. 

And I never let them go. 

I am me. 

And I'm not afraid of others trying to bully me.

Know what happens if you try to tease a panther?

The panther kills you

Soon, the smiling one isn't you

It's me, the panther :))

DON'T ever betray my trust. Anyone in my life

Time

I need time. I need time. I need time. I need time. I need time. I need time... time... time.
What do I do to get some time? If I have time. I will change a lot of things.
I broke up with my boyfriend Nicholas today. He was a great guy. And changed a lot of things. But I can't love him as much as he loved me. I'm not playing. I really like him. But I can't love him as much as he can. And I thank him very much. If he is reading this, for loving me so much. I really appreciate it.
Tomorrow is the start of school. I'm damn happy for that. This holiday is kinda disasterous. OK. But still disasterous... So. I don't know what to rite anymore. Can't wait til skul tomoro.
kthxbai :(